Partners suffering from BPD are frequently chastised, marginalized, and stigmatized, yet the truth is they deserve love and compassion just as much as everyone else.
BPD, or borderline personality disorder, is a clinical diagnostic indicating that an individual has difficulties with attachment and managing their emotions.
Yet being with someone with BPD can come with some positives. Some people with borderline personality disorder can be intuitive, empathetic, passionate, spontaneous, and resilient. When they are not triggered, they can love deeply, and be committed, to their partner and family.
In this post, we will examine the full spectrum of what it is like to be in a relationship with someone with BPD, including not only the frequently reported negative aspects but also the potential upsides to being with someone with BPD.
Potential Upsides to Having a Partner with BPD
High intelligence
Research indicates that BPD is linked to above-average intelligence (IQ > 130) and exceptional artistic talent (Carver, 1997). Because your partner with BPD may be exceptionally bright, they digest information and discover answers to problems more quickly than the average person. Conversation with them may be intellectually engaging and broaden your perspective.
They understand suffering
Someone with BPD knows hurt, loneliness, and emotional distress better than the average person. Contrary to popular belief, people with BPD can be empathic. Some may even possess "too much" empathy. If their empathic nature is not properly managed and regulated, they may be constantly overloaded to the point of burnout.
Many individuals with BPD have the ability to sense unspoken emotions. Even if you haven't directly communicated how you're feeling, your partner may appear as though they are able to read your mind. In a study, 30 people with BPD and 25 without BPD were shown partial photographs of faces, specifically the eyes. The BPD group performed significantly better than the non-BPD group in correctly detecting the facial expressions, demonstrating heightened sensitivity to others' mental states. (Fertuck et al., 2009) Even if you try to conceal or deny your distress, your partner with BPD may be aware that you are distressed.
Tackling problems head-on
Although this may be related to their anxious attachment and intolerance of ambiguity, individuals with BPD are frequently highly driven to work on their relationships and overcome problems. When disagreements emerge, they will not simply let things go but will push to investigate the source of the problem. This might be stressful if you have a tendency to avoid conflict. The advantage is that you are forced to confront relationship challenges head-on, communicate effectively, and avoid falling into apathy or conflict avoidance.
They are capable of being empathetic and compassionate parents
While some people with BPD pass on intergenerational trauma (Stepps et al., 2012), many have pledged to do the reverse. Since your partner had a traumatic upbringing, they may fight to prevent a similar trajectory for your children. If they are ready to work on themselves and heal via counseling and personal growth, they may well be competent at transforming their sorrow into a parenting strength. They will try their best to support your child's needs and provide them with the affection they lacked. They may be more insecure than other parents, but they can be receptive to the needs of their children.
Your BPD partner is more resilient than you think
People with BPD are frequently viewed as mentally fragile and incapable of dealing with life's obstacles. Nevertheless, some individuals with BPD are exceptionally robust and resilient (Paris et al., 2014). They are able to overcome life's obstacles and painful experiences in ways that others cannot. Paradoxically, while they frequently exhibit strong reactions to relatively insignificant everyday occurrences, they may be remarkably composed when life-altering events occur. When a big family crisis arises, they may be in the best position to provide their loved ones with support. People with BPD have demonstrated that even the most horrific experiences cannot entirely ruin one's life. They know what it's like to be a survivor, and they may be a source of support for others.
Spontaneous and fun
Many individuals with BPD enjoy social interaction and making others laugh. Their high energy and spontaneity can make it a delight to be with them. They are prone to being impulsive and taking excessive risks; however, if they are able to channel their daring nature in a healthy manner and incorporate it into their relationship, it can lead to interesting and unforgettable experiences.
Personality Essential Reads
How Much Does Your Personality Determine Your Genes?
The 4 Relationship Events That Change Personality
Deep passion
People with BPD have a strong desire for intimate relationships. This is due, in part, to their fear of abandonment, but also to their love of people and desire for intimate ties. Consequently, people with BPD tend to have passionate relationships. They are often affectionate and will go to considerable efforts to deepen their relationships. They may lavish you with compliments, affection, and attention. If you have felt alone or neglected in previous relationships, this can be a pleasant change.
People who are in a relationship with a person with BPD frequently find that they become gradually more emotionally expressive. Because your partner with BPD demonstrates these skills, you may also find it easier to express your emotions and discuss difficult matters.
Coping with BPD is hard. Continue to engage in activities that bring you joy, socialize with others, and ensure that you are resourceful and healthy enough to assist your partner with BPD on their path. You do not want to become entangled in a dysfunctional relationship due to their neediness or demands. You should not feel guilty for assertively establishing boundaries, doing so is not a punishment, but rather a benefit for both parties.
Try not to rely on the hope that your partner may one day change radically or become the person you want them to be. They are who they are, flaws and virtues included. Obviously, you may find some aspects of their personality challenging, but overall, your decision to be with this person should be a congruent one.
If you do not believe that the person you are with is the right person, it may be best to re-evaluate why you are in the relationship. Rather than continuing in the relationship and resenting them, silently punishing them, or pressuring them to change overnight, you should be honest with yourself. You both have the right to feel loved and accepted in your relationship, and this cannot be imposed.
References
Carver, Deborah Daniels. (1997) Medscape Psychiatry & Mental Health eJournal. 2(5), retrieved at https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/430852_2
Fertuck, E. A., Jekal, A., Song, I., Wyman, B., Morris, M. C., Wilson, S. T., … & Stanley, B. (2009). Enhanced ‘Reading the Mind in the Eyes’ in borderline personality disorder compared to healthy controls. Psychological medicine, 39(12), 1979-1988.
Leutgeb, V., Ille, R., Wabnegger, A., Schienle, A., Schöggl, H., Weber, B., … & Fink, A. (2016). Creativity and borderline personality disorder: evidence from a voxel-based morphometry study. Cognitive Neuropsychiatry, 21(3), 242-255.
Napolitano, L. A., & McKay, D. (2007). Dichotomous thinking in borderline personality disorder. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 31(6), 717-726.
Paris, J., Perlin, J., Laporte, L., Fitzpatrick, M., & DeStefano, J. (2014). Exploring resilience and borderline personality disorder: A qualitative study of pairs of sisters. Personality and mental health, 8(3), 199-208.
Stepp, S. D., Whalen, D. J., Pilkonis, P. A., Hipwell, A. E., & Levine, M. D. (2012). Children of mothers with borderline personality disorder: identifying parenting behaviors as potential targets for intervention. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 3(1), 76.
